OSCAR! OSCAR!

Image by Dave_B_ via Flickr

Last week I saw the Oscar-nominated movie, The Descendents.  I hope it wins because more people will go to see it.  It is a realistic and understanding portrayal of what a family goes through during and after the death of a family member. The thing I love about it is that it captures the normalcy of death, rather than the Hollywood-style drama and horror we have come to expect.

YOUR CAN RUN, BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE

In the United States we have buffered ourselves from acknowledging the inexorable reality of our own deaths in every way. We deny physical aging with Botox, plastic surgery, and hyper-activity.  We postpone estate planning because “We have time.”  The translation for that is, “I can’t bear to think about my death.”  Children are buffered from knowing about death.  We have few death rituals.

I have become much more aware of this as I try to raise awareness of aging through my blog and in my teaching about aging and preparing for the entire rest of your life.  People only understand what I am writing about when they begin to experience the eldercare and aging process themselves.

Image via Wikipedia

We do not do simple, but somewhat time-consuming, eldercare planning for ourselves or our parents because it brings up scary and stressful images of progressive fragility, incontinence, running out of money, dementia, the loss of a spouse, caregiving expenses, loss of independence, loneliness, and helplessness.  End-of-life stops being about someone else and becomes a possible future scenario for us and our families.  We simply do not want to know.  So we choose denial and don’t look.

 IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE

The family in The Descendents, is no better or worse than anyone else’s.  Just saying the words, “She is dying.  She will not wake up,” begins a journey for everyone. As each family member faces his or her personal loss, emotions and actions are triggered.  They experience denial, fury, hysteria, immaturity, silliness,  forgiveness, bonding, and normalcy like a confused amoeba.  There is no order.  There is no plan.   They surprise themselves by arguing, acting out, laughing, and watching movies.  They just soldier on because they have no choice.

In the end, death and loss is still there.  It is not just a movie.  It is real.  To our amazement the sun rises the next day.  We go on.  Sometimes we find we have evolved into a simpler, yet wiser, version of ourselves.  Each moment is precious, and we realize we have learned how to treasure what we have while we are still alive.

AGING, DEATH, AND DYING IS PART OF LIFE

Accepting our own mortality and the mortality of those we love usually occurs in one of the more advanced phases of adulthood.  We have no patience for things that waste our time.  Recognizing that the most simple things can be the most important is a great step toward personal freedom.

Toward the end of her life, my mother and I were watching the DVD a stunningly beautiful ballet performance of Natalia Makarova performing Swan Lake.  Mom turned to me and said, “You know, when I see something that beautiful, it makes me want to be a better person.”  The Descendents makes me want to be a better person.  It tells me that I am OK just the way I am and that experiencing the ups and downs of life is the price of living a better life. Let’s hear it for art.  Sometimes it helps us to understand things that are too powerful to be put into words.

Editors Note: I included the video below just because I want to share it. Enjoy!