Family caregivers have a hard enough job without buffering the family members who are not caregivers.  You have your hands full taking care of a dependent relative.

NO BACK-SEAT DRIVERS

Last week, I was talking to a girlfriend who, over the past year, has evolved into the primary caregiver for her elderly mother.  She has two brothers who are both married.  One brother and his wife actually work in a medical-related field.  Both siblings live about a five-hour drive away.

My friend was complaining that her siblings rarely show up in person and do not contribute financially to their mother’s care.  Yet, her siblings and sister-in-laws all feel entitled to take charge when they come to town.

ESTABLISH ROLES

Have a meeting or meetings with your siblings to discuss the current state of your parent’s health and any issues around her well-being and care.  Determine who will be the primary caregiver.  Yes, there needs to be one.

Identify secondary roles and have each sibling take on some of those responsibilities.  Who is best at what?  Who can learn a new skill? Who wants to do some tasks? Who can contribute more financially?

You need to think of yourself as the Project Manager.  That means you manage everything.  It DOES NOT mean that you have to DO or PAY FOR everything. This is crucial to your survival. Discuss your responsibilities as well as the ways in which siblings are accountable.

SET GROUND RULES

Caregiving is really tough, and it will impact your health, mood, finances, relationships, and career.  If you agree to take on the role, recognize that you can negotiate for what you need as well. Being the primary caregiver does not mean you become the family slave by default.

QUESTIONS TO ASK

What does your parent want?

What can your parent afford?

What can your siblings afford?

Do you expect payment–either now or in the form of inheritance?  How much?  Where does the money come from?

Does your parent have a plan in place?  Does it require revision? If there is no plan in place, make one.  Everyone can help with a piece of it.

When there are problems, how will you get them resolved?  Do you make all decisions?  Do you have a family conference call?

How do you keep family members informed?  Phone calls? Skype? Emails?  Should they call if they want to know?

WHAT EVERYONE NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND

Make clear that if you are the primary caregiver, the one who lives locally, is on call for emergency room visits, keeps the phone on 24/7, and has to manage the day-to-day affairs of a frail parent, you have the deciding vote.  Consensus is impossible in an emergency.

It is human nature that we do not want to know about unpleasant or uncomfortable things.  Siblings are no exception.  Don’t be surprised if they actually contact you less than they did in the past.  Consciously or unconsciously, they know they cannot be asked to feel an emotion, contribute time or money, or feel concern for your well-being if they don’t know about it.  There is a good chance that they really, really, really don’t want to know.  Don’t give in to that. Prevent it by talking about it up front.

If you are in charge, take charge.  It is a job.  Establish rules, roles, budgets, processes, and accountability.  There will be times when you must remind siblings of their responsibilities, times when you want to make them feel guilty, and times when you feel all alone.  Make sure you have some sort of non-family support system in place.

The job of primary caregiver is enormous.  Expect it.  But you can also build a team that will support you, take responsibility, have your back, and share in the bonding.  Traditional power positions tied to family birth order may change.  You will experience new emotions–from rage, to protectiveness, to self-pity, to self-respect, to unimaginable love.  If it is your lot to be the family caregiver, don’t run from it, but do take charge and do it in a way that allows you all to grow.

Copyright TheNewElder 2012