Reading Time:  4 – 5

On Saturday, June 19, I taught my 3-hour, introductory eldercare planning class.  It is part of the Southern Methodist University’s (SMU) Continuing and Professional  Education (C.A.P.E.) program here in Dallas, TX.  Some people were there because they were becoming concerned about changes in their aging parents. Others were there to learn more for themselves.  In a three hours introductory class is only possible to lightly touch on the many components of an eldercare plan.  Students leave the class knowing what goes into an eldercare plan, but they still have to do the hard work of creating a personalized plan for themselves or in collaboration with a family member (the HOW which comes in my full semester course).

The most challenging thing about teaching this class is imparting essential information while incorporating the individual concerns of each student into the class activities and discussion.  There is never time to cover everything.

For this class I realized afterward that I had omitted the most visceral lesson about caregiving.  The message is as follows:

Caregiving is a life changing event.  It is a natural part of the life cycle.  You do not want to avoid it. 

In the process of learning how to be a caregiver, one transitions to a more evolved stage of adulthood.  I do not think it is possible to achieve this transition by reading a book or empathizing with someone else’s experience.  You need to pass through it yourself in order to live the rest of your life more completely.

Some of things you will learn:

You will naturally begin to prepare yourself for and accept your own aging process.  The unknowable future will become less scary and more real.

As you help someone else through a later stage in life, you will recognize the things you will be able do for yourself that will enhance your own quality of life as you age.Just sitting and holding the hand of someone you love can be one of the sweetest experiences you will ever know.

As brains mature, the left hemisphere and right hemispheres grow more balanced.It is possible to make good decisions more quickly and achieve better results with less stress.

With a more balanced brain and the knowledge acquired with longevity, wisdom surfaces organically.  You know more, can act on that knowledge, and can pass on that wisdom.  It is fun!

The longer you live, the more chance you have to fill in the blanks–life experiences, learning, relationships, and behavior–of what you missed in your younger years.  If you spent your youth with school and climbing the corporate ladder, you may live long enough to learn how to spend precious hours in social conversation, nature, and giving back to others.  If you missed getting the education you wanted because you had to work too hard to support a family, you have time to choose to learn things you missed. If you were an absentee parent, you may have time to enjoy being an involved grandparent.  It is a time to think about what you have missed and decide what you still want to do or who you still want to become.

As you help another become older, you will help someone else struggle with who they are, what they have done, how well they have planned, and what they value.  You will be there as they recognize the impact of every action and the preciousness of each moment.  You cannot help but take a closer look at who you are, what you have done, and what is truly valuable.  You begin to look at this from the perspective of an entire lifetime.

I became a caregiver out of a sense of duty and self preservation.  I wanted to avoid feeling guilty about neglecting my parents.  It was over the course of helping both parents through their last years and their deaths that I became fully connected to my own life.  It was during this time that my parents and I reconciled our differences without ever discussing them.  We just learned to be ourselves and to let go of stuff that did not matter anymore.

Caregiving is a great act of selfless love, even if you do not love the person for whom you care.  You will make sacrifices.  You will wish the burden to be lifted from your shoulders.  You will experience rage, both at the one you for whom you are caring and at relatives who do not do their part. You may have more health problems.  You will grieve.

You will also learn to love your connection to the continuity of life and your place in it.  You will love the person you see in the mirror each morning.  You will love the inner peace you have as you know you are doing something of infinite value, perhaps something that no one else in the world can do as well as you.  You will become your true self and your soul will evolve in ways you cannot imagine. The impact will resonate for the rest of your life.

If you allow yourself to fully experience the caregiving stage, you will be able to face the rest of your life and even your own inevitable death with greater courage, wisdom, peace, and hope.  I wish  a profound caregiving experience for each of you.

Copyright TheNewElder 2012